Saturday, January 24, 2009

Topographical


I have never liked rollercoasters. I prefer the smooth, evenness of wide expanses of ground, a low, wide hill breaking up the landscape now and again. Yet my life continues on this wild up-and-down swing that has me quite distraught.

Truly, I am doing much better than when I wrote the last post, but things are still very unsettled. The year has started out badly. My strength and my faith are being tested.

Since I came back to Our Lord in early 2008, my marriage has been rocky. I won't say more than that, but I think it's so hard when one believes and the other does not.

And since Christmas, when our daughter came home and started the business of getting sober, things have been even more rocky. Last night, we discovered that she had stolen something like 40-50 Xanax from our personal medication stash. For the record, it takes me about 6 months to go through a prescription for Xanax. Mostly they help me when my brain won't shut off from it's constant fretting at night. For my husband, he needs them when the panic attacks strike. We are each down to a mere handful, less than a dozen each. And with prescriptions that can't be filled again for a month, we're hoping for the best.

We confronted her around midnight last night, and she came clean. She said she was having a "bad time" and that she needed them. She admitted to rifling through our nightstands when we weren't home. All of my worries about her being here, all of my fears, had come home to roost. I thought she'd been doing so well. It explains a lot about her long hours in bed and her urging us to go out. I told her how disappointed I was and that I needed some time to think about what to do. My first impulse is to show her the door. After all, she's broken some clear rules here. But where will she go? I think I'm going to have to encourage her to find a place to go, though. I simply can't trust her under this roof. That's her fault, not mine.

What I can do is pray for her and about the situation. I said to a friend recently that it gives me comfort to be able to take my worries to God instead of handling them all on my own. That's just what I need to do. Daughter's problems go so much further than "simple" alcoholism. She is a crafty, street-wise girl who will do anything for her next fix. Kick the alcohol? No problem. Just let me find something to replace it. So much for her progress.

What my nearly-8-months of a 12-step program for codependency has done for me is to let me see the boundaries, to let me understand that this truly isn't something I created or am responsible for. I got mad at my sponsor for asking me whether or not I was doing the right thing letting our daughter move back in, whether or not our daughter could truly not take care of herself. Daughter has had so many chances to get her life together. She knows she really screwed up this time, yet she is sleeping like a baby.

She brought chaos to this house once again.

I am fighting hard to stay on track with my own recovery and with my path to God. I have been neglecting my prayer time, though, because of all the ruckus. I have to remember to give this to God. Only He can take care of this situation. I am only human, after all. I feel that I am constantly being tested, though. Not a day of my return to faith has been easy. Not a day of it has been without tests and pitfalls. It would be so much easier to go back to the way I was before, but I know how miserable I was then. That wasn't a good place to be.

So today... just for today...I'm going to remember who is the Divine Creator who knows the master plan. I'm going to remember to give him the glory, the honor, and the praise - and yes, even the worries, because His wisdom and strength are so much greater than mine.

This post may not make much sense to any of you out there, but it is my attempt to put a map down in front of my face, to see where I've been and where I have yet to go, to see that - though I'm stuck in the thickest, highest part of the mountains - there is a land of freedom on the other side. I shall endure.

Peace -D

[photo credit]

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Sanity

Today I am praying for God's mercy and peace. I am praying that He gives me the strength to get through one hour, and then the next and the next. The things I'm dealing with are very painful and are piling one on top of the other.

Let's say that my life is about to change drastically, and I am so afraid that the whole house of cards we've built is about to fall apart. And yet, could it be any worse than the life I've been living?

I've had thoughts of suicide. Thoughts of giving up. Thoughts of forgoing grad school - after all, what would it matter? I can't make as good a living with that degree as I make now. And yet, I still feel that God led me to take on this program. If I don't go, am I disobeying God? I feel like I'm in this stagnant place all of a sudden, like everything I've laid out for myself is going to fall apart because of one person's instability.

I'm about to deal with that.

God give me strength
Give me wisdom
Give me hope
But most of all, shower me with your divine love and peace.

D