Saturday, January 24, 2009

Topographical


I have never liked rollercoasters. I prefer the smooth, evenness of wide expanses of ground, a low, wide hill breaking up the landscape now and again. Yet my life continues on this wild up-and-down swing that has me quite distraught.

Truly, I am doing much better than when I wrote the last post, but things are still very unsettled. The year has started out badly. My strength and my faith are being tested.

Since I came back to Our Lord in early 2008, my marriage has been rocky. I won't say more than that, but I think it's so hard when one believes and the other does not.

And since Christmas, when our daughter came home and started the business of getting sober, things have been even more rocky. Last night, we discovered that she had stolen something like 40-50 Xanax from our personal medication stash. For the record, it takes me about 6 months to go through a prescription for Xanax. Mostly they help me when my brain won't shut off from it's constant fretting at night. For my husband, he needs them when the panic attacks strike. We are each down to a mere handful, less than a dozen each. And with prescriptions that can't be filled again for a month, we're hoping for the best.

We confronted her around midnight last night, and she came clean. She said she was having a "bad time" and that she needed them. She admitted to rifling through our nightstands when we weren't home. All of my worries about her being here, all of my fears, had come home to roost. I thought she'd been doing so well. It explains a lot about her long hours in bed and her urging us to go out. I told her how disappointed I was and that I needed some time to think about what to do. My first impulse is to show her the door. After all, she's broken some clear rules here. But where will she go? I think I'm going to have to encourage her to find a place to go, though. I simply can't trust her under this roof. That's her fault, not mine.

What I can do is pray for her and about the situation. I said to a friend recently that it gives me comfort to be able to take my worries to God instead of handling them all on my own. That's just what I need to do. Daughter's problems go so much further than "simple" alcoholism. She is a crafty, street-wise girl who will do anything for her next fix. Kick the alcohol? No problem. Just let me find something to replace it. So much for her progress.

What my nearly-8-months of a 12-step program for codependency has done for me is to let me see the boundaries, to let me understand that this truly isn't something I created or am responsible for. I got mad at my sponsor for asking me whether or not I was doing the right thing letting our daughter move back in, whether or not our daughter could truly not take care of herself. Daughter has had so many chances to get her life together. She knows she really screwed up this time, yet she is sleeping like a baby.

She brought chaos to this house once again.

I am fighting hard to stay on track with my own recovery and with my path to God. I have been neglecting my prayer time, though, because of all the ruckus. I have to remember to give this to God. Only He can take care of this situation. I am only human, after all. I feel that I am constantly being tested, though. Not a day of my return to faith has been easy. Not a day of it has been without tests and pitfalls. It would be so much easier to go back to the way I was before, but I know how miserable I was then. That wasn't a good place to be.

So today... just for today...I'm going to remember who is the Divine Creator who knows the master plan. I'm going to remember to give him the glory, the honor, and the praise - and yes, even the worries, because His wisdom and strength are so much greater than mine.

This post may not make much sense to any of you out there, but it is my attempt to put a map down in front of my face, to see where I've been and where I have yet to go, to see that - though I'm stuck in the thickest, highest part of the mountains - there is a land of freedom on the other side. I shall endure.

Peace -D

[photo credit]

8 comments:

Deb said...

Hi ~ Of course I haven't been down the exact road you are on but my life has had encounters with some of the issues you are dealing with. I don't have any answers for you unfortunately but I can send you hugs and warm wishes and support. I do know that as you mentioned, setting boundaries is key - not easy to do but important. Please take care of yourself.

SandyCarlson said...

My Friend,
You are a source of strength and inspiration for me as I read this. I sense your warmth and strength. I hope things get better soon.

Linda S. Socha said...

I have seen and traveled some of the roads with children. I hope all of this clears up and more smooth sailing is in line for for and your family
Linda

Deedee said...

I know what you mean. My husband of 28 years doesn't share my faith either, and my two adul kids have stopped going to church. It's hard for me, but I realize they have to find their own path. I keep praying for a spiritual awakening for them. As a good friend says, "Always remember, God is still sovereign and it's all in his hands." That gives me comfort.

Grandma J said...

I pray for peace, strength and His love for your family. You are the rock in your family. Don't let your emotions sway your convictions on the boundary issue. Your love for your family is evident to them.

lakeviewer said...

This is a tough road. What helps is to know that others have travelled the same road and have survived.

katherine. said...

I came by way of David...via your other weblog...

I am honored to read about your path...I'll be back...

Irish Coffeehouse said...

Here by way of Mike G! I've been reading your blog and posts to have a better understanding! How my heart breaks for you and your family during this terribly sad time!

May I respectfully recommend:
When He Doesn't Believe (forget the authors name)
...and...
www.unequalmarriage.typepad.com

May peace find you during these times.