Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Sanity

Today I am praying for God's mercy and peace. I am praying that He gives me the strength to get through one hour, and then the next and the next. The things I'm dealing with are very painful and are piling one on top of the other.

Let's say that my life is about to change drastically, and I am so afraid that the whole house of cards we've built is about to fall apart. And yet, could it be any worse than the life I've been living?

I've had thoughts of suicide. Thoughts of giving up. Thoughts of forgoing grad school - after all, what would it matter? I can't make as good a living with that degree as I make now. And yet, I still feel that God led me to take on this program. If I don't go, am I disobeying God? I feel like I'm in this stagnant place all of a sudden, like everything I've laid out for myself is going to fall apart because of one person's instability.

I'm about to deal with that.

God give me strength
Give me wisdom
Give me hope
But most of all, shower me with your divine love and peace.

D

9 comments:

Cloudia said...

"Let's say that my life is about to change drastically, and I am so afraid that the whole house of cards we've built is about to fall apart. And yet, could it be any worse than the life I've been living?"

You express what MANY are feeling (not to denigrate your feelings at ALL). A friend of mine used to say :"Life is easier now that I gave up." so I say: surrender!
Let go - Let God. The light is weak, the days short this time of year. Hang in. The dark night precedes a glorious dawn. PLEASE get help but PLEASE DON'T take a drastic step. We all think of it - but don't DO IT PLEASE!!!! YOU ARE LOVED, and no doubt close to a new level of being. aloha Sister.

RiverPoet said...

My dear Cloudia - I have an appointment with my shrink today. I'm hoping for some help, maybe with a change in meds. And my life situation is going to change. That will be the hardest part for me, but it is absolutely imperative that I do something.

Peace - D

Jennifer Jilks said...

I am glad to read you are getting help.

I moved, changed jobs to look after ailing parents, and ended up pregreiving my dad, while my mom died.

I was on anti-depressants, got counselling and got better.

Life is not easy, and we never get more than we can handle, but we can't always handle it alone. That was the mistake I made.
Good luck. Don't give up.

Not Afraid to Use It said...

Oh damn, D! I am just now reading this! I hope today has you feeling better. Know we're sending you love and light from 30 minutes south

Real Live Lesbian said...

Wishing you peace and comfort and sending prayers up for you.

Hugs~

SandyCarlson said...

I hope you are OK, my friend. My thoughts are with you. I have been in those low places, too. Please know you are better than whatever is coming your way and you deserve love and peace, whatever way things go.

In your corner!

shadowsinthemoonlight said...

I'm relieved you had an appt. w/ your therapist. Still, I'm concerned although I'm a new one to land here.
I'm wishing you inner peace.
Know that others care about you and wish you the best.

Warmly,
gel

Woman in a Window said...

what can I say, who is new here?

you're asking. I hope you receive.

Word on the Street - Portland said...

It helps me to remember the slogans during days like you are having. My favorite ones are

Let go and Let God
Don't push the river, let it flow by itself.

Hang in there.