Saturday, March 14, 2009

The Business of Living


I've been sorely neglectful of this blog. Look how long it's been!

The follow-up to my last post is that the next day our daughter went out to a meeting but never made it there. She decided to go to a bar (or a liquor store) instead and came home so trashed she could not stand up. Yes, she was driving in that condition, which made me incredibly angry. My feeling is - if you're dumb enough to want to kill yourself, don't take innocent people with you. We would have picked her up or called a cab. There was no reason for her to drive in that state.

We told her to go sleep it off and we'd talk about it in the morning when she was sober. Around 1 a.m., the dog woke us up to go outside, and my husband noticed that she was gone. She had taken the car and left. I called the police, because she was endangering others. I gave them her name, description, license plate number, and description of the car. When we heard from her around 2 p.m. the next afternoon (after my stomach was tense with worry), she casually announced she was calling from her "new place." She knew she had crossed every line and would not be allowed to stay with us. I informed her that I had called the police on her, and she seemed appalled. It never occurs to her that she's doing anything wrong, I suppose.

Since then, she's been living elsewhere, and the house is much calmer. Our son had to move home again, though, because he lost his job Christmas week and had not found another one. He is 21 and is in college. That meant we had to help him pay his bills for February (especially because we co-signed on his car), but it's the first time he has ever asked for or needed help from us in the 3 years he's had the car. I raised him exactly the same way I raised his sister, but with him, he's made of a different substance. He is the child I expected; she is the child I did not.

Nevertheless, I love them both and worry over them like any mother.

For the most part, in spite of the drama with our daughter, we have had a pretty normal life - whatever normal really means. We have ups, downs, and everything in between. And for all this time, I have kept a huge part of me hidden away - not from those close to me, but certainly from anyone I know through church. Being in 12-step, going to therapy, and being in psychology courses in grad school has led to me having to get harsh and real with myself. So many aspects of my personality have been stifled and that has led to some anxiety, depression, and guilt.

On my other blog, Poetic License, I came out to my readers. It's only fair and right that I do the same thing here. This has meant that I also had to get real with my group leaders at church. I was given the information on the stance of the church, which is that "the marital relationship was designed by God to be between a man and a woman," meaning that I'm not okay.

Well, God and I have talked about this long and hard. He doesn't want me to live a life of sadness, guilt, and inauthenticity. He designed me to be happy in his Creation. I think after nearly 47 years of life, I deserve a little of that, don't I? It isn't that I haven't always loved my husband, but I have always felt that something major was missing. When I've gotten close to women (and I won't divulge how close), it's been incredibly different. There was a hole in my heart that was filled up. I felt complete.

God doesn't make mistakes, and there are plenty of churches out there that will be happy to have me as part of their congregation. I'm back in searching mode and will keep you posted of my progress.

Meanwhile, my entries here are still likely to be infrequent due to my course load at school. It's rewarding, though. It truly is. I know this is the right path for me.

Peace - D

[photo credit]

4 comments:

Cloudia said...

Aloha-

CDB said...

I've just found this blog (read Poetic License once or twice) and didn't want to lurk. More importantly, I wanted to say how much I admire and respect how you're handling these life adventures God is handing you.. from the children to your personal choices. I sincerely hope and pray a new church finds YOU and welcomes you with the open, loving arms that you deserve.

SandyCarlson said...

Good luck with your daughter and work

Not Afraid to Use It said...

Sorry I haven't made it over here recently. I need to stay up to date with my feedreader. Hope you are well. And I'm proud of you for calling the cops on her. I am with you on the "protect the innocent "thing.