Sunday, April 5, 2009

Stephanie Nicole Pavlichek (1/12/84) - (4/3/09)


Once There was a Girl
For my daughter
© 2008

Where has she gone,
the child spinning stories,
dressing up, singing off-key?
Have you seen her around?

A minute passed, a lifetime
formed, blonde hair now Black
as the Stone of Mecca. She sat
right there for suppertime.

Madness crept in,
I know not when.
It cast its thin
grey sheet within
her mind, frozen
in time she spins
into insanity.

Where has she gone,
my once innocent girl
Her skirts awhirl?
Have you seen her around?


My husband, Stephanie's father, pointed out today how ironic it was that my last post here in March had to do with describing the last day our daughter stayed with us. He encouraged me to come back and read it so that I would stop beating myself up about her death. I don't know if I will ever stop asking "what if" and saying "if only", but at least I know in my heart of hearts that I tried everything possible to help her, to reach her, and to heal her.

But her death is not likely the result of her own hand. We are still waiting on the autopsy results, but it appears she died because of several blows to the head during a robbery in the wee hours of Sunday morning, March 29. She died later in the week after complaining of nausea and headache, but she did not say any of this to us. She didn't reach out to us or anyone else for help or support. She just went to sleep and never woke up.

My world has fallen apart. She was my greatest challenge and my dearest girl. I wanted so badly for her to survive! Damn it all to hell!

D

35 comments:

Maggie May said...

Oh Doris, it looks like some one else did this? That is the most awful thing. I am so sorry, you know that I am. I keep thinking how I would feel if it was my daughter.
It is a mother's worst nightmare.
The poem was a lovely tribute and please don't beat yourself up. It is certainly not your fault and you did everything you could for her, you know that.((hugs)) x

TSannie said...

My heart is breaking for you. You and all your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Sending many many hugs your way. Ann

Fat, frumpy and fifty... said...

D. A heart wrenchingly beautiful tribute to your Stephanie.

If I could take away a moment of your grief I would.

Hold on. Hold fast to each other. Hold on.

Moment by moment, you will hold on.

love Sara x

Mental P Mama said...

What a beautiful poem. I can just see her...

And please try to forgive yourself. "What if" and "if only" are never there. You always were there, and you can take comfort in that. You were always there, loving her unconditionally and always.

Annette said...

Beautiful poem...so so poignant. I am so sorry. My love goes out to you.

Mike Golch said...

great posting,sorry that it had to be about a sad event.{{{HUGS}}}

SOUL: said...

i'm hoping that writing was, and will be a healing process for you.
this is a lovely poem. for a lovely young woman.
i can only imagine your anger... i hope they find who did this.
i just can't grasp it all.
i was hoping for so much better for her--
i am so sorry.

there is no blame on you-- remember that. no what ifs..or should haves. you did all you could --and more.

hugs to you and yours

septembermom said...

A moving, beautiful poem. Take care.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Lovely poem. Lovely girl.

Please hold on tight, and know you have many around you right now.

Syd said...

Doris, the poem is beautiful.

Steve E. said...

Doris, Syd told me about your tragedy. I'm SO sorry. Yes, I too believe fervently we are all united with God, and In God, all in Unity.

Knowing that might help during this most trying time of your life. Awww, I know...NOTHING help.

I'm SO glad I came over to read the beauty of your poetry, and thoughts.
Thank you.
I do not know you, but I love you.
Steve E.

Jay said...

Doris ... I don't know what to say.

I'm shocked and very sad - I cried when I read this. I know from what my mother has said that losing a child is just devastating, and your poor Stephanie was just over a year younger than my elder son. So young. I am just so sorry.

I know you'll be beating yourself up with 'what if's and 'I should have's and 'I shouldn't have's too, but they are all misplaced. I know you'll be feeling guilty, and angry too at times, but you must remember that these are all normal emotions when you're grieving and try not to beat yourself up too much. You did what you had to do, and the decisions you made then are still right. If you could go back (without foreknowledge) you'd probably make the same decisions again.

Feel, accept, and move on, but only when you're ready. I know you know all that, too, but sometimes we need the reassurance of being told by someone else.

As you know, I'm not into poetry, but that tribute to your daughter was both beautiful and moving. Occasionally a poem will rise to the top of the incomprehensible (for me) and speak clearly, and yours has done so. You have a gift.

*Hugs* Be kind to yourself.

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Came over from another blog and just wanted to tell you how terribly sorry I am for your loss. I can't imagine how painful this must be for you and your family.

I will keep you and your daughter in my prayers.

Hallie

Akelamalu said...

There can be no 'what ifs', had it meant to be you would have been there, so stop beating yourself up m'dear. Your daughter's death from her own hand would have been so very tragic, but to learn that it was at someone else's hand is so terrible. I hope they catch the person that did this Doris.

I love the tribute you have written to your daughter.

Peace and Reiki Blessings to you.

xx

Marty said...

Beautiful and sad, you all have my heartbroken prayers...

Don Mills Diva said...

What a beautiful poem - you are always in my thoughts Doris...

Daryl said...

A beautiful poem. Your husband is right ... you did all you could.

I hope whoever did this is caught and punished ..

BUT you did NOT fail her.

Hilary said...

Doris, the poem is beautiful. I'm so sorry for your pain.

Angie said...

Doris,
The poem was beautiful.. I am so sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you having to go through this. We should not have to bury our children.

Much love,
Angie Will

San said...

Doris, your poem is heartfelt and resonates deeply with all parents.

I did read your previous post. Yes, people raise their children in the same way, encouraging them to grow and be strong and find their path in life. And yet, different children grow into very different adults. There's mystery in the DNA and in a particular person's response to life. Your husband is so right--DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF.

It makes my stomach turn over to think about someone doing Stephanie physical harm. I wish I could be there to cry with you.

You and your family are in my prayers, Doris.

Employee No. 3699 said...

That was a lovely tribute to your daughter. You're in my thoughts and prayers

SandyCarlson said...

This breaks my heart, makes me sad and angry, and makes me look again and again at my daughter.

You are a good and loving person. You are a good and loving person. You are a good and loving person.

® ♫ The Brit ♪ ® said...

Dear Doris,
Thinking of you and your family at this terrible, terrible time.
I have no words... there are no magic words at a time like this.
I hope they catch whoever did this to your Darling Daughter... what an evil world we live in.
Hugs, Peace and Love
Donnie
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

San said...

It's 5:45 a.m. here in New Mexico. The big moon is still hanging between the junipers on the northwest side of our house. I saw it as I was walking downstairs this morning, after I had lain in bed and said a prayer for you, Doris.

Although miles of changing landscapes separate us, we look at the same moon and pray to the same God. Wishing you strength and peace as you begin this day...

Cath said...

Beautiful post. From one mum to another, I feel your pain and send you all the prayers and hope for strength I can. With loads of love and hugs.

Michele said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you.I cannot imagine your pain or your suffering. Please do not beat yourself up any longer. God decides when he wants someone to join him and we, as ordinary mortals, have no control.

Michele

Jo said...

What a beautiful poem.

Doris, you were the best Mom you daughter could have had. Don't ever forget that. What happened is a horrible, horrible tragedy, but you are not to blame.

I watched Vanessa Redgrave's grieving face when she buried her daughter, and I thought that is exactly how you must be feeling. And the irony is, it sounds as if you lost your beautiful daughter in exactly the same way -- a blow to the head. You are not to blame for that. You were the best Mom, I can see that in the pictures.

Josie

ed said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Lavinia said...

My dear riverpoet...I can't stop weeping over the tragedy of your loss...your darling baby girl...as a mother my heart breaks for you. I have been taking a hiatus from blogging but something today, a feeling inside told me to check your blog and debby's blog. Debby is battling cancer (and winning!).
I was stunned to hear this terrible news and sorry I didn't visit your site earlier...sorry I've been away. How very very sad....words can't express my sympathy or your loss. I know you did your absolute utmost for your daughter....you are such a devoted mother, going above and beyond this calling of ours as mothers....

Terrible to hear she was beaten...why...why...why...

I hope you get some answers. My dear, I am so very, very sorry. I was staring at her photos...what a beautiful, beautiful girl.

Lavi

RiverPoet said...

Update:

Thank you so much, every one of you, for being here for me. I can't tell you what it means to have people around the globe reading this, loving her, praying for us.

Though we do not have the final autopsy results yet, and though the preliminary results do not show that this was directly caused by the beating, that beating certainly set off a chain of events that ultimately resulted in her death. Unfortunately, that doesn't turn the mugging case into a murder case. It just leaves us with a terrible loss that appears accidental.

We miss her terribly, as you can imagine. Why things like this happen, we may never know, but what we do know is that we are broken by this. When we are put back together, we'll never be the same.

Love to you all - D

Lavinia said...

You're right...you'll never be the same. Nothing will ever be the same. I'm so sorry that your daughter's life was cut short...she had a lot of living left to do, and I just don't know what to say more than that. The worst tragedy, the absolute worst. How you are bearing up I can't imagine. I am praying for you, and may God rest her soul.

jeannette stgermain said...

Came over from another blog:)
You will never be the same, but you will be able to go on with life.

There is nothing you could have done, because the damage (maybe hemmorage) was in her brain.

Please stop asking yourself "what if..." and beating yourself up - but celebrate the years you had together - I know you'll get there eventually!

Cloudia said...

Love you

Moannie said...

How could I have missed this post, Doris?

Here it is, many months later and the pain of your loss still so strong. I cannot imagine ever recovering from such a tragedy. I can only hope with all my heart that the pain becomes bearable and you will be able to think of her and smile.

XOXO

budh.aaah said...

Oh Doris,
I am so sorry for your loss. Nothing anyone says will make any sense or take away the pain I know..I suffered the loss of a dear one recently and still cant accept it.
But know this dear Doris, that at that time you did what you thought was right for your child in order or her to grow into a responsible and good human being.

Thats what we all try all the time with our kids because we dont know in our wildest dreams that the next day is going to be their last..

Please dont dont beat urself about it because you did and said whatever out of love and responsibility that a mother feels towards a child. You loved her and always will. She is in your heart and noone can ever take her away from there..
I will pray for you, a warm hug from me
Take care